Mini Sermon

A FISTFUL OF FEARS

July 27, 2017

 

    I was awakened by what felt like a sharp object pressing against my fragile temple. This thought that is captured in my mind is everything but simple to explain if I should say at the very least. I was frightened when I opened my eyes. It was him pressing with his finger so hard against the side of my head that I could not think straight. I can even now see in my mind him standing over me with his black leather jacket slightly hanging off him. His gold bracelet dangling from his wrist.The stench of alcohol swept across my nose as he hovered over me. He stood there for what seemed like an eternity. It was as if that seeing me so fearful brought him satisfaction. I was startled but this was not the first time and surely would not be the last considering the fact I was only around 8 or 9 years old. I still can't gather any reasoning even until this very day what was going through his mind. He bent down and said with tears running down my face. {{You left a fork in the sink}} I remember rising up out of the bed so afraid that this drunken rage would end with multiple slaps upside my head. There were times where my head hurt so bad from the stings of his hits that I could not sleep. For the life of me I could not understand why he hated me so much. It was as if my very existence bothered him. He wanted me to be afraid of him. I was pure and innocent. I was defenseless and weak. I was a little girl for Christ sakes trapped in a world of fright. He wanted me to be scared because he knew I was a child and couldn't leave. His father was absent majority of his life and his wife involuntarily was set free by his so called plot of vengeance. [At least she was free from him.] Secretly I believe he only felt good by being in control. He ate others weaknesses for breakfast like they were Wheaties and he drunk tears as if they were fresh running water. He was my worst enemy, well the spirit that was within him I should say. His actions towards me with every slap, kick and demeaning word cut my soul deep. My oppressor's words cut through my flesh. Each one like a pillar of salt making the wounds I had worse and the others never to be healed. I became an easy target for hatred to reside in me. I even thought about killing him to escape that reality. [Transparency] I know that this sounds a little harsh but it was my truth and I must speak it. My world was black and everyone in it. My heart was of stone. I trained myself to never let people too close to me. I even came in agreement with the enemy that I would take no instruction from anyone. I was full of rebellion that resulted in a lot of missed blessings. My God could not let it go down like that though. I can remember my grandmother would always tell me to forgive. That was her daily bread I guess. At the time I was young and could not understand. She introduced me to the light and he became what I desired because anything had to be better than what I was experiencing behind closed doors. I went to church and loved the choir. It seemed everyone was happy. {looks can be deceiving} but that's another story. My love of God grew tremendously. I loved the fact that people actually noticed me for what I did right. They called me to the front to sing the solo. In a way they showed me love that was non existent at home. My ram (grandmother) in the bush taught me about forgiveness even though it took many years to heed to her. She forgave everyone. She did it with so much grace. I guess you didn't think that it would end this way. For sure I should still be pressed about his actions but I had to let it go to reach my maximum healing. Forgiveness was like a foreign language to me. I told myself a long time ago. I would not turn out like that. My children will never know what it is like to suffer from abuse. I will break cycles. I will break generational curses. A great deal of my ancestors only knew fear and enslavement. My message to anyone who reads this is you can decide that you will end that as well. You can decide right now that letting go is all for you. From this moment on you will no longer hold on to others who have wronged you.They can no longer be a hostage in your heart. Lay that weight down and come experience a love so deep the oceans get mad. The greatest gift is freedom. I will not lie and say his words don't come rushing at me or I have forgotten what he did. I decided that his actions or the actions of others will not rule my whole life. That will no longer be the song I sing. I will tell you honestly that it is a reminder that I am not who I use to be. God is still working the kinks out but that traumatic error will no longer control me. He hears your cry just as he heard mine. Just as he hears the accuser as well. It is time to turn it over to him.

 

Philippians 1:28

And do not [for a moment] be frightened or intimidated in anything by your opponents and adversaries, for such[constancy and fearlessness] will be a clear sign {proof and seal} to them of destruction, but a [sure token and evidence] of your deliverance and salvation, and that from God

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